Confessions of a Woman with a Chronic Condition

I am plagued by a chronic condition. It impacts my friends and family more than I care to acknowledge. It’s so irritating when you see challenges you face in your personal life carry over to those you love around you. I like to keep my “baggage” inside but some issues just creep out into life and can’t be hidden.

This chronic condition is one that many people have implied I should be able to control, but yet I haven’t managed to do exactly that. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t found the right steps or options for me to make the changes needed. Or, maybe my mind and body are wired a little differently than the rest of you. Who knows.

Welcome to the world of “Adult Time Management Disorder” (ATMD).

You thought I was talking about my cancer, didn’t you?

I thought about this as I was driving last Friday to meet Leslie, who was patiently waiting to catch up over a cup of coffee. My prior meeting had run long because I just couldn’t let the person know I really needed to leave, so I emailed Leslie to say I’d be right there. I quickly tried to gather my stuff up, drove fast (but not too fast) to Starbucks, and apologized for being late upon my arrival. Truly, the day-to-day frustrations I cause through my chronic tardiness probably brings me more stress than having a major health condition.

For the record, I’m not making fun of attention deficit disorder: I have a family member who struggles to manage that condition each day. But the similarities between ADD and what I have named ATMD are glaringly similar. It’s almost like I have no internal clock but yet I feel constantly rushed and am constantly thinking about my schedule ahead, just to show up late for most meetings.

It’s completely true that my cancer and the medication to treat it makes me tired. Other medications I take or foods I eat also mess with my sleep as well, making the morning even more challenging. Just to maintain my health I need more sleep than the average person. Instead, most days I wake up late, grouchy and still exhausted.

Lack of sleep might explain why I’m not a morning person, BUT it doesn’t explain why I can’t seem to be on schedule during the day.

Back in my college days, I frequently sat in the front row in class. I wasn’t one of those “kiss up” students who was trying to con a professor; I was usually running late and had to take the only seat that was open.

I’m one of those friends that many people have teased about knowing they, too, can show up 5 to 10 minutes late … because they knew I wouldn’t be on time.

And, as an adult at work, I find that when it’s time to transition to the next meeting, I struggle to pull away from the current meeting and get to the next appointment on time. Even bosses have told me how frustrated they were with my inability to consistently be on time.

While I’m a “no excuses” person, there is an insight that’s really hit me this summer: My concern for people is part of what’s contributing to my tardiness.

I certainly care greatly about the people who are in the next meeting, but I just can’t pull away from the person I’m talking to now. It’s not that I don’t think the meeting I’m going to is important, it’s that I’m trying to always do “one more thing” prior to going to the next meeting. I think my self-diagnosed ATMD is due to trying again to make everything perfect.

I thought my days of trying to be a perfectionist were long gone. I know I can only juggle so many things at once, and sometimes even some important balls get dropped. But, time is the most limited commodity I have, so if I can give a little more time to the person I’m talking to now, or return one more call between meetings, I guess I believe the world will somehow run smoother.

Silly me.

To all of you who have waited for me to make it to a meeting, arrive for lunch, or turn in an assignment, please know you, your schedule, and your needs matter greatly to me. Self-awareness is the first step to recovery, and my heart is in the right place even if I can’t tell you for sure what time it is. I’ll do my best to keep my ATMD in check and know – after writing this – many of you will try to keep my in check as well.